Special Blog - Festive Cheer from Donald Parbrook (a light hearted look back at 2009)

It occurred to me the other day that being a UK tax resident is surely like being a passenger on a bad Cruise Ship....the SS Great Britain. 

Captain Brown and First Officer Darling of the "Red Rose Shipping Line" have told the passengers that whilst the ship is taking on water pretty fast, that’s okay.  Passengers should not be alarmed.  The Captain says he won't need to put the bilge pumps on until the storm has passed, even though the delay means a higher risk a sinking ship and an inability to go anywhere fast with a hold full of water.  The Captain has said that if the pumps go on now we will end up drifting backwards on to the rocks.  Their advice is to carry on as normal.

As passengers, we don’t know where the ship is headed any more although we were given a “good weather guarantee” in 1997 by the First Officer Brown (now Captain). Indeed he was famous for his "no more sun and storm" speech to passengers.  We were told that with Mr Brown in charge of navigation the ship would surely arrive at Prosperity Port soon, whilst Social Justice Island would be within sight of the harbour.  The previous Captain Major, of the Tory-Line company had, with hindsight, made a decent fist of heading the ship in that direction but had become discredited after the ships cook, Mrs Currie, had been scandalised for having used off eggs in the passenger's meals and was found asleep in the Captain's cabin dressed only in an chef's hat and buoyancy aid.  After many years under management of the Tory-Line the passengers were really rather fed up.

In 1997, the former Captain Blair and First Officer Brown had been warmly welcomed by the passengers after many years at sea under the command of the Tory-Line.  Captain Blair immediately threw lavish parties and the ship's entertainers were delighted to have a more enigmatic leadership.  To the delight of passengers he was able to carrying out overdue refurbishment and ensured that the facilities the 3rd class passengers had endured were upgraded whilst having to make only modest increases in duties payable by wealthier passengers.  Many passengers did not even notice the additional duties as they were cunningly hidden within the overall ships costs.  It really was a win win situation.

Captain Blair was popular but unfortunately spent a great deal of time toadying up to other ships' Captains and boasting about SS Great Britain and did not keep a close eye on First Officer Brown.  It was Brown who was left to look after the passengers on the SS Great Britain and the supervision of the ships purse was a role he took very seriously.  Worse still, Captain Blair became increasingly close to the Captain of the nearby American cruise ship and he ordered that the SS Great Britain follow the American ship's course without questioning whether that might be suitable course to Prosperity Port for the much smaller SS Great Britain.  International maritime agencies questioned the course taken by the SS Great Britain but Captain Blair had assured passengers that following the American ship was in our best interests to avoid being subject to attack by pirates.

Now, after a spate of very bad weather (said to be caused by climate change), some lifeboats have been released unexpectedly by the ships engineer, Mr King.  The release of these lifeboats was necessary to prevent the purser (Mr Royal) and casino croupier (Ms Halifax - who it turns out was closely related) from drowning after they fell overboard in suspicious circumstances. 

Mr King indicated he did not feel the ships reputation would survive the loss of two such senior crew members.  Especially not so soon after the ship had suffered some damage after hitting a (Northern) Rock. 

Another lifeboat was expensively fitted out using ships monies and then supposedly taken by Captain Blair.  It is rumoured he took it after he realised he might be blamed for the ship ending up in the stormy waters, and for the fact the ship was very close to the dangerous Iranian waters despite having encountered difficulty in the region for some time.  So Captain Blair took a lifeboat and is said to have boarded another luxury vessel as a first class passenger.  He is relieved that he will not be held to account for the difficult position of SS Great Britain which might partly be because Captain Blair ordered they follow Captain Bush's American Cruise ship in the dark. It appears that whilst relaxing in the First Class Lounge of another Cruise ship, Mr Blair can relax, safe in the knowledge that Captain Brown will be held to account for the decisions he made.

In any case, as the passengers of SS Great Britain head off to the bar they realise that minimum alcohol pricing and new emergency VAT rate means that a cold beer is going to cost a lot more money.  Not only that but because the beer is imported from China, they have to change their special “ship currency” (£) into other real currencies and because of the stormy conditions and the poor condition of SS Great Britain other currencies are commanding a premium.

Despite the difficulty with the purser and the croupier having gone overboard, some passengers remain in the casino doggedly pretending the ship is still in good shape and heading in the right direction.  There are rumours the casino must close soon and there is pressure because of a defective "cable" issue.  Captain Brown is aware that the casino tax is the main source of income for the ship but is left powerless after admitting that whilst in port in Lisbon he had foolishly agreed with the Captains of the French and German ships that they could decide how the casinos should be run in future.  When he had gone ashore he had assured passengers he wouldn’t sign anything without consulting them, but after a few bottles of good Port he succumbed to the charms of the wife of the French captain.  He is, after all, human.

Worse, Captain Brown has had to confess that the purser foolishly lent all the ships financial reserves to the big American cruise ship.  The purser was falsely promised “AAA” rated storage of their funds.  They have since learned that the American cruise ship has suffered a mutiny, their Captain Bush has been put into a lifeboat and left adrift whilst their new Captain is unsure what to do in order to get the ship to a safe harbour before the Iranians and Chinese gang up to sink it.  Captain Brown admits he had previously sold the ships gold treasure for a bucket of fresh fish and a new flag.   Further revelations come to the eye of the passengers including the fact that many of the crew had arranged for their cabins to be refurbished to first class standard using ship monies.

To stave off a money crisis, Captain Brown has produced more special “Cruise Ship Currency” for passengers and encourages them to keep spending it all in the on board shops.  The ship's engineer, Mr King, has confirmed he can take power from the engines for as long as necessary to run the printers.

Finally, the disgruntled passengers can elect a new Captain and crew in 2010.  The passengers vote to replace Captain Brown with Captain Cameron, First Officer Osborne.  The passengers are cautious about letting the Tory-Line team run the ship again, particularly the second and third class passengers, who had been better treated under the Red Rose Shipping Line.  After the election, the role of "chief entertainer" goes to the well known magician, the "Great Salmondo", who asks for the authority to run the third class compartments at the front of the ship independently, pointing out they are much closer to the engine and the fuel tanks so will have lots of power although his case for independence was dealt a blow by the loss of the ship's reserves to the Americans, and the fuel tanks in the third class area had been run down over the years to feed the engines of the whole ship.  The third class passengers have reservations about this as they feel the Red Rose Shipping Line have helped them in recent years.  They are cautious about the Great Salmondo's plans to run part of third class as an independent cruise company, pointing out we all seem to share the same ship and that it might not be the case that first class passengers will mingle so happily with third class if there is an independent shipping line involved.

However, by the time the new Tory-Line team are in place, the ship's engineer (Mr King) has bad news.  The ship has let in so much water that the only way to save the ship is to accept help from outside as our own bilge pumps are not big enough to bail the ship out.  The International Maritime Foundation (IMF) come to the rescue but whilst helping keep the ship afloat they insist that half the crew must immediately leave employment and the other half must work until 70 for a smaller pension and take pay cuts.  They ask all the wealthy passengers to hand over their gold and other assets to assist with the costs of bailing out of all the water that is by now threatening to stall the engine.

Meantime, a number of glamorous tenders approach the cruise ship, offering wealthy passengers safe passage to alternative Cruise ships where the Bar and Casino are very much open and where they won’t have to give the SS Great Britain management all their assets to pay for the expensive “bailing out” and the over-spend on hand outs for the 3rd class passengers.  Whilst some of these other Cruise ships are not managed well, the attraction of avoiding the new "ship-taxes" and the ability to get off a ship in a storm is too great for some.

Luckily enough the passengers are mainly pretty determined lot, and after some time in the doldrums the ship limps back to Prudence Port, that well known stopping off point on way to the (mythical?) Prosperity..... at least.....here's hoping! 

Have a very Merry Christmas everybody.

Donald Parbrook